HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Updated: April 1, 2019
Think zombies are just a piece of science fiction designed to scare the crap out of teenagers at the drive-in theater? Well, think again. The threat of a zombie outbreak is a bigger reality than you can ever imagine. You need to be prepared for the worst
that can happen. But before we get to that list, let’s look at the warning signs that can give you a head’s up of the arrival of the Dawn of the Dead!
TIP #1 - ZOMBIES ARE NOT TOO BRIGHT
Measured on a scale of 1 to 10 the average brain power of a zombie
is in the territory of a 2. Possibly a 2.5. They really have little in the way of smarts. The primary goal of your typical zombie is to seek out non-zombie flesh. This is not only food for the undead, it enables them to spread the virus they carry. Being smarter than a zombie is easy, surviving a zombie attack is not so easy.
TIP #2 - AVOID ANYTHING PROMOTED AS NEW AND IMPROVED
Thanks to such wonderful technical and scientific advancements in today’s world such as GMO and vegan diets, the potential of a zombie outbreak has increased. Foods and beverages are one way in which the zombie virus can be transferred in an otherwise ‘zombie free’ environment. Any of these consumables that are promoted as being “new and improved” or contain a “new recipe/formula” are to be avoided at all times.
TIP #3 – BEWARE OF YOUR CHOSEN INFORMATION SOURCES
The media is full of “fake news” sites these days. As a result there is no way of knowing how reliable the news report about the zombie outbreak being a fallacy is. Websites all over the internet get intercepted daily by zombies and converted into fake news sites. Plus, if the radio station you listen to plays a lot of Grateful Dead or identifies itself as “Zombie FM 98.6
” you know you are in trouble.
Now that you have a bit of background on what to watch for as potential signals of the eventual zombie outbreak
, do you have any idea what to do to prepare yourself for this event? It’s not anything like preparing for an earthquake, hurricane or fire evacuation. There is no drill. There is no time to plan your escape routes. Being ready can be the difference between survival or becoming one of the latest victims of the zombie virus. Here’s a list to get you started:
WHAT YOU NEED WHILE YOU ARE STILL AT HOME
The first thing to keep in mind before the zombie outbreak is that the longer you can hide at home, the better off you’ll be – for now. This is why you need to collect all the essentials while you can so that once things go sideways you’ll have a fighting chance.
The most important item on your home survival list should be large water bottles
. Once the zombies start to spread their virus you’ll want to be sure you have a lot of water on hand before the water source is contaminated.
You will also want to keep those water bottles safe and easy to access while your position is still relatively unknown. You can do that with a bottle rack
which saves space and holds a lot of your supply.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED WHILE YOU ARE ON THE ROAD
Sooner or later the zombie outbreak will take over your neighborhood. At that point you will be faced with having to hit the road in an effort to stay ahead of the virus. This means taking a vehicle that hopefully you loaded up with extra fuel cans.
Assuming you took care of that, there will be other items you will need while on the lam. One gallon water bottles
will be essential to your survival.
On the offhand chance you remembered to load up food to keep you fueled up on the road, you will want to keep your road snacks stored in a lunch bag
so you can identify food from first aid supplies when making a split-second decision.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED WHILE RUNNING FROM ZOMBIES
Even if you took every precaution necessary you will either run out of gas or get run off the road by a crazed zombie driving a Greyhound bus. When this happens you’ll still be able to keep ahead of those zombie bastards by running. Remember, the undead are not very fast so you will have a slight advantage in keeping some distance away from those that have noted your movements.
To keep your important ‘running like hell’ survival kit all together, you can use a large tote bag
. In it you should have a flashlight, matches, first aid kit, small water bottles, protein snacks (avoiding those with ‘new recipe’ on the wrapper) and clean underwear.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED WHEN HIDING FROM A GROUP OF ZOMBIES
One way to keep the handful of zombies that have trapped you in alley at bay is rather simple. Provided you remembered to pack your ghetto blaster, extra batteries and a handful of CDs. Zombies react in different ways to different types of music. Blasting them with AC/DC only makes them hungry. Forcing them to listen to rap music does much the same. If you are looking for a way to squeeze past a wall of zombies without getting infected your best bet is to let the sounds of Tom Jones, The Carpenters or Wayne Newton blare from the speakers. This will scare them off long enough for you to take a dash. However, the effects do not last for very long. Also, protect yourself from this painful experience by wrapping a wet towel around your head being sure to cover your ears.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED WHEN JOINING ANOTHER PACK OF SURVIVORS
It will happen. If you have managed to put enough distance between you and the zombies you will eventually come across another group of survivors. Before accepting their invitation to be part of the gang, you will need to be on the lookout. Should the zombie virus morph during the months (fingers crossed you last this long) you have been dodging them, your human detection skills will be tested.
You should spend a fair amount of time observing these ‘survivors’ in order to weed out whether or not they are actually humans or a sub-strain of zombies. If you have any doubts, keep running.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED WHEN YOU ARE BACKED INTO A CORNER
Again, if you prepared properly and have managed to keep some of your supplies to this point you still have a few tricks up your sleeve. The water jug you’ve been hauling around can be your secret weapon at this point. Slug the nearest survivor in your small group with it hard enough to knock that person out. Use that limp body as bait and as the crowd of zombies is distracted with the fresh offering, make your getaway.
OTHER VALUABLE TIPS TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK
STAY AWAY FROM CROWDED AREAS
As distracting as a live football, baseball or basketball game can be, do not allow yourself to become weak to the desires of your testosterone and try to attend any of these functions. Even if there has not been any word or evidence to back up the possibility of a zombie outbreak, being caught in the concourse of a major sporting arena is not going to be pretty. Sporting venues are nothing more that human smorgasbords to the average zombie as soon as the virus starts to spread. Be forewarned and stay away from such places.
WEAR CLOTHING THAT HELPS YOU BLEND INTO YOUR SURROUNDINGS
Bland is good when it comes to hiding or running from a zombie. They can’t see very well so if you choose to dress as you would out hunting – in light reflective vests or bright colors to avoid being shot by another hunter – you are also allowing yourself to be a zombie target. Camouflage
confuses them. Three-piece suits attract them. Kilts, on the other hand, go unnoticed with zombies in Great Britain but are as obvious as a red flag in other parts of the world.
WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY HYDRATED
This is where it is important to run with a small pack of survivors. Someone is going to have to be in charge of water detail. That means seeking safe sources, collecting the empty water jugs and refilling them when possible and all other water-related chores.
Therefore, do not give up any opportunity to refill water. It never hurts to have more water stored than anything else. A regular human being can survive seven days without food, but only three days without water.
Rationing may become part of the job description, depending on the supply and how fast your group is going through it.
FINAL WORDS ON THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK
Remember, only those who have taken the warnings seriously and bothered to prepare in advance
will have a much better survival rate. There is no way of knowing when and where that outbreak will take place but if you have your stuff together and made a plan for escape, you could outrun and outlast the spread of the zombie virus. Hopefully these tips will help you get one step closer to beating the outbreak. If they don’t work, blame the zombies for taking over this website and posting this article.
HAPPY APRIL FIRST!
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